Drowning

Have you ever felt that you were drowning?  That life as it was was too much for you to handle, as if you are a ship on the sea that is being battered by the elements and you're beginning to take on water, beginning to go under?  In previous generations we didn't feel so able or free to talk about such feelings.  We received hidden messages, unspoken rules that you didn't talk about things like that; especially if you're a man.  So, we just stuffed it down and tried to press on, without sharing our thoughts or feelings with another soul.  Thankfully, things are changing in that regard.  Society is becoming more willing to talk about feelings like this.  But yet, it still can be a massive challenge to talk about this kind of stuff; there is still a perceived stigma attached to it, as if we experience this kind of thing as a result of weakness or lack in us as a person.

This is a journey I have been very familiar with.  As a kid growing up, I was quiet and didn't share any of the inner struggles I was going through.  I carried that habit into my twenties and onwards.  I was always shy growing up, not wanting to be 'seen' by others, not being confident that if people saw the real me, that they would approve of what they saw.  In fact, if I'm honest, my belief was the complete opposite. I was convinced that if others saw the real me, with all my perceived inadequacies, that I would certainly be rejected as being 'not enough', deficient in some way.

   That kind of feeling causes us to hide.  We hide from others in order to protect ourselves, but we also hide from ourselves.  Feeling ashamed of who we are, believing that we're not enough to be accepted as equal among our peers, we can also hide from ourselves.  An inward self rejection can take place, and then we're really in trouble.  In one of the many things I've learned about the human psyche over the years, I've discovered that this at it's root is probably the most damaging of inner injuries; when we reject ourselves.   I lived out many years after that being completely unaware of what was playing out in my thinking.  I just knew that I hated crowds, that I lacked confidence in being asked to try something unfamiliar.  

And so much of my life has been an inward struggle in that regard, having no idea as to why I felt the way I did, not understanding why I experienced so much depression and anxiety, often feeling that I'd wished I hadn't come onto the scene at all.  Facing life with these kinds of feelings can make it feel frightening, unsafe, impossible.  

If you're someone how has experienced feeling like this; then you need to know that you're one of the main reasons why I have wanted to start out in posting on social media platforms, to be able to reach out to people like you who maybe need to hear that you're not the only one who has gone through this; that you're not some kind of freak, different from everyone else.  Truth is, most of us experience mental health issues at some point in our lives.  So you should not feel like you're different or lesser somehow than everyone else.  Life can be cruel, it can be tough, it can feel very lonely.  So, I have wanted to share some of my experience with these kinds of problems so that others who identify with them will be inspired to know that there is a way through; and if that's you, to know that you are certainly not alone.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty, to where the rubber hits the road.  Let's talk about suicide.  Have you ever felt like you want to throw in the towel, because life just seemed too painful, too difficult?  I want you to know that there is certainly a better way.  If you're feeling like this, the reason is that you have yet to see the real you.  You're blind to the real you, you're blind (to no fault of your own) to the amazing potential that is wrapped up in who you are. Let me share with you a realisation I had about this one day.  I'll share it in the form of questions because that's how it came to me.  Let me ask you this...

If a commodity is very plentiful in the world, what kind of value is it given?  

Not much really, because there's lots of it.

What about if something is rare?  What value is it given then?  

Well, it's more precious then because there's less of it; it's considered more valuable.

So, what if something is unique, a one off, a never to be repeated special? 

Well then it's priceless.  It's beyond valuable, it's worth is inestimable.

So let's take you for example.   (And maybe you've never had suicidal thoughts; maybe you've never even experienced much depression, but you've still had doubts about your value or your significance compared to others....then listen to this)

If then, there's never been one of you before, and there never will be again, if the mixture of your experiences, qualities and gifts are completely unique and will never be repeated-

What does that make you?

You see, I've learned that as a society we often judge peoples value based on what they have or on what they can accomplish.  As children we're given praise and attention when we accomplish something or do well at a challenge.  But the problem is that this teaches us these rules about life, rules that we then go on to live by for sometimes the rest of our lives.  Rules like: 

'in order to be enough and to be loved and accepted, valued by society and by others, I have to achieve and climb up the social ladder, I have to do well financially, I have to look a certain way, talk a certain way, be a certain way.  And we, often unwittingly, find ourselves chasing these goals, trying to adhere to these unwritten rules in order to feel significant, in order to feel like we 'matter'.  

The question is - is this really a true measure of our worth and value?  Does it even make sense?  If a value is subjective rather than objective; if a quality is esteemed by one group of people but not by another, for example; if an ancient society admired people who were let's say, 'weighty', because it was a sign of their prosperity, but yet another society in a different age or culture esteemed a look which was athletic and trim, which one would be the true look?  You see, if the values of our peers are changeable, they can't very well be used as an accurate guide of our value as a person, as an individual.  Does that mean that there is something terribly wrong with the messages our society is sending out with regards to what it means to be 'important' or what it means to be a 'somebody'.  I believe there is, and I believe that this kind of belief system is extremely damaging to the psyche of the population. These hidden messages are prevalent in western society more than anywhere else...

In my next post, I'll delve into what I believe is the true measure of the worth of a human being, and as a taster, I don't believe it has anything to do with our performance or gifts or level of achievement....

Feel free to engage with me and leave a comment.  It would be great to hear how you feel about this subject.

Back soon,

Stay strong, stay blessed!